Just a Guilty Obsession
by Dejichan4444
Summary: Just a Shadow' in Yuki's POV. Why am I doing this? I’m such an idiot… And I call HIM stupid… Ha! He should be calling ME that! I’m just faking myself over and over again. And to think, sometimes I even believe what I tell myself. PLEASE READ!
1. Chapter 1

Okay people... I am SO tired right now... I can't even see clearly... How am I typing? Don't ask. Just don't ask. I've been working on this NON-STOP since Suanne revived my plot bunny of DOOM. (THIS IS A SEQUEL TO 'JUST A SHADOW')And I'm guessing Yuki, I mean Eiri, is OOC, I've dissatisfied everyone, and my brain has stopped functioning. Oh yay...

Yes, I spent so many hours on this... On Friday, I spent about four hours on it. On Saturday, I spent about four hours, and Sunday, I spent about three. And Monday, I spent an hour. Yes, I spent 13 HOURS on this... Wow, the same as my age... ;;

Yes, it is crap. Yes, I am so tired that I'm not thinking clearly. Yes, I am expecting flames, though I will still say, NO FLAMES. No, I don't know why I just said that. Yes, this is over 5000 words. Yes,I am seeing bunnies everywhere. Yes, I should be working onmy book project due Friday. Yes, I want to go to bed. Yes, I have officially killed the plot bunny. (I hope this doesn't end up like DBZ where everyone keeps coming back to life, because then I'll be here for years.) And yes, I'm sorry that I'm so frustrated... And yes, I am thirteen, and I'm not calling back all my friends instead of doing this. Yes, I'm a moron. Yes, I will stop now.

PLEASE REVIEW... I need to know that mythirteen hours weren't wasted... Please? -hands you cookie- Thanks for reading!

This is in Yuki's POV. You could say he's talking with himself, or thinking with himself. It's confusing...

Disclaimer: I don't own Gravitation...

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Guilty Love (Yuki's POV) 

The brat was whining to me again about if I love him. I don't get it! I look at him sweetly sometimes and I even kiss him! And what about when I pick him up from work when it rains? Or that I make him dinner every night, even if I'm not going to eat? Or that I came back to New York to get him, and stayed even when I failed the first time? Or that I keep that stupid club-print picture on my liter? Or that I said, "Yes", when he asked me if I did love him…? Doesn't he get it? I DO want him around. I just wish he'd stop whining all the time…I don't love him, but I don't hate him either.

Damn it. I think I know what he's thinking… No, he couldn't… He's not smart enough for that, is he? No, he couldn't be. He doesn't know… He can't… Can he? Damn. He does. What am I kidding? I know he does. I've known it for awhile, haven't I? Yes, but I've been hiding myself, convincing myself that he has no clue and that I'm doing nothing wrong. But I know exactly what I'm doing, and deep inside, I think he knows that, too. Damn.

Why am I doing this? I'm such an idiot… And I call HIM stupid… Ha! He should be calling ME that! I'm just faking myself over and over again. And to think, sometimes I even believe what I tell myself. Wow, I must be stupider than Ryuichi Sakuma. I bet my fans would get a kick out of that, literally.

It's true. I see it in his eyes every time I smile at him. He knows. Why does he stay with me then? Why? All I have to offer is good looks that the fan-girls go gaga over. It's nothing special. There are a zillion nice AND good looking people out there that would die to have him. But he chose me, even though I give him no true love. Why?

He's such a naïve brat. He never thinks of himself; he's so selfless. He never even tells me how he feels, but I can tell just by looking at him. I guess I'M the monster here, aren't I, just like that dead man? I see him suffering but I don't do anything. Can I do anything?

What do I do exactly? I break him, every single fucking day of my life, I break him. But he comes back, each and every day, shiny and new. I don't know how or why he does it. He's pretty tough, I must admit. How do I break him, you ask? By looking at him. Yes, that sounds stupid, but the thing is, whenever I look at him, I see that dead man, Kitazawa.

It's amazing; he haunts me even now, years later, that stupid dead man. He never leaves me alone now. After a few years, I was slowing forgetting Kitazawa. Okay, not really, but it wasn't as bad as the night he… Well, you know already. Once I met Shuichi in the park, I saw Kitazawa. And the funny thing was that he was smiling. I thought I'd never see Kitazawa smile again after I killed him. But there he was, in the flesh, looking at me with pleading eyes. It was too good to be true. I blinked, and I saw a pink-haired idiot in his place. It wasn't Kitazawa, I told myself. And I was disappointed, because, in reality, I wanted to see Kitazawa again; I wanted to look at him even after all he did to me and everyone else. But I didn't want to see him again at the same time. It's stupid, isn't it?

At first, I didn't want to see Kitazawa again, as I just said, so I tried to avoid the pink-haired guy. But he kept coming back to me, like a wind-up toy. I thought it was pathetic, but I secretly enjoyed it. Whenever he was there, I could see Kitazawa. Several times, I even tried to apologize to Shuichi, whom I pictured was Kitazawa. But I held back, and just watched. And I slowly let him in, because I was getting the pleasure of seeing Kitazawa. That was all he was to me. But he really loves me. That brat REALLY loves me, not for how I look or because I'm famous. He loves ME, with all the perks that came along with it. I don't know how, but he did. And that's when I began to feel guilty for even LOOKING at him.

When he hugged me, I felt Kitazawa hug me, and forgive me. I felt so happy, but I showed no one my true feelings. Somehow though, Shuichi found out. And I was surprised. I thought he'd truly believe that I saw him when I smiled. I thought he was dumb, but I was wrong. He began to realize it, and I saw his hyperactive-ness fade away. It was such a small and insignificant change, but I could see it clearly and easily. Shuichi wasn't Shuichi anymore. He was the shadow of unrequited love. And I felt horrible, especially since I wasn't exactly nice to him either. And I once again found myself drifting in an ocean of guilt. But he became Shuichi again, and he's still Shuichi. He bounced back, like rubber.

I've only felt this guilty one other time, when I killed Kitazawa. I know he did something terrible, something unforgivable, but I had no right to kill him. He didn't want to kill me, I know. He just wanted to torture me, see me suffer, and maybe get some pleasure from it all. And even if he did want to kill me, two wrongs don't make a right. Or do they? Tohma said it was for self-defense, but I know better. I killed him because I was furious with what he did, and MAYBE a bit scared about my safety, only a little bit though.

He sold me to some thugs off the street for ten bucks after I ran all the way to his house. I was disgusted! Was that all I was worth? Ten bucks? That wouldn't even cover the costs of the wine he drank! Did he make some kind of agreement with them? Did he hate me that much, that he would do anything to get rid of me? I was bewildered when I saw the money. I was horrified. I couldn't speak, couldn't think clearly. I couldn't breathe.

Why ten dollars? Did he really want any money at all? I don't think so. I think he just wanted to see me in pain. But then, why ask for money at all? Why not let them take me for free, then? I didn't understand, and I still have no clue what was running through his head. Even if he was drunk when he gave them the money, the thugs seemed to know the price. Kitazawa had it all planned out from before, preferably when he was sober, so why ten dollars? Why won't anyone tell me why? I think Tohma knows, but he's not telling. He knows it'll only hurt me more. But I still want to know, dammit! My personal guess is that he wanted to let me know how little I was worth, but he wanted to get some money in the process, if only to cover part of the wine costs. How sick is that?

I was angry, disappointed. Was this the man I loved, the man I admired and adored? How could it be? He was such a marvelous, charming man. I loved him… But I killed him anyway. And it wasn't out of hatred. I knew that. And that's when I realized that I'd never forget what I did, because I had already regretted it the moment I shot him. I still regret it now. But Tohma came to save me. He took me away from the memories of Kitazawa. He was utterly astounded, or so it seemed. And he was guilty because HE hired Kitazawa. He covered everything up for me though. To the rest of the world, I hadn't murdered Kitazawa, the one I loved. I was just an innocent schoolboy, who was still a virgin. And Kitazawa took that away. Yet, I still love him. I still killed him. I still feel guilty. Funny, isn't it? Love can be so twisted; I don't even know what it looked like before everything came crashing down that horrible night. Before Kitazawa screwed everything up, I was a normal, happy kid. And now look at me! I'm an alcoholic bastard with a smoking problem!

To the rest of the world, I was just a cold-hearted bastard for no reason, and they still think that. And maybe I am. Yeah, I am. What kind of relatively nice person would kill someone? I loved, love, Kitazawa so much. I felt guilty every time I was late, and every time I got a problem wrong. I wanted to be perfect for Kitazawa. I really did, but I guess I failed. Ha! That's a big understatement, isn't it? And why the hell am I asking you anyway? Damn, forget it…

I remember one time when Tohma started talking to me before I went to see Kitazawa. He seemed a bit suspicious, I guess. I think he had a feeling something was wrong. Maybe that's another reason he felt guilty. He had known something was wrong, and he reacted too slowly, or so he believes. And he asked me all about Kitazawa. Of course, I only told him the good things, the things I saw in him. I loved Kitazawa, so I only saw the good qualities and traits, just like Shuichi used to do with me. Now he can't help but see the little perks that come in the dirty, used package delivered by Hell, me. But I didn't realize Kitazawa's perks, so I told Tohma how wonderful and kind he was. Wasn't that smart? I wonder, did I make Tohma more or less suspicious? Did I really quell his fears, or did I enlarge them? Hmm… Well, when I finally got to Kitazawa, a little late because of Tohma's questioning. I ran all the way there, so I was exhausted. And Kitazawa was a bit annoyed, or worried; I wasn't sure at the time. I apologized like a madman, and he forgave me. I sometimes wish he'd forgive me now. Sometimes… Okay, maybe all the time, but why the hell do you care anyway?

But he hates me, doesn't he? Why else would he sell me to some thugs on the street? Why else would he smile as he watched me suffer? But, if he hates me, why did he always greet me with a warm smile? Why did he speak so kindly? Why did he treat me so well, like I was his "one and only"? Why would he gaze at me in that special way that made my heart flutter like a stupid bird? Yes, a stupid bird. If a bird's wings flutter the way my heart did, I'd seriously consider sending it to therapy for help, or sending it to a hospital because I'd think it was having a seizure. Why did, do, I love someone so horrible? Ugh, I'm such a bastard. This is too fucking confusing… Shuichi never hurt me, but I don't even relatively love him.

So, yeah, I never really see Shuichi when I look at him. I see Kitazawa, and maybe that's why I act so grumpy, because he just reminds me of all the fucking mistakes I've made. And I DON'T need to be reminded every day, but, I do at the same time. It's kind of like being addicted to alcohol. You know it's bad. You know it doesn't help anything; it only makes this worse, but, you still drink it. Why? How the hell would I know, huh? It's not like I know all the answers, you know. So stop asking questions, or I'll seriously rip your head off. Or maybe I'll shoot you, just like I did Kitazawa. So shut up. Kitazawa screwed me up, okay, made me addicted to him? He crushed me because I loved him, because I made myself vulnerable. And that'll never happen again. Vulnerability is a horrible feeling; I would know.

I don't think anyone realizes how much it hurts to just look at myself, how badly I felt went Kitazawa betrayed me. It's not something you realize; it's something you experience. And there's nothing else for me to explain to the likes of you. It fucking hurt, okay? I felt like my heart was being ripped out and thrown on the floor. I kind of thought, when it was only me and him in the room, that if someone was going to steal my virginity, it should be him… But no, he sold me. And then everyone expected me to breathe again! How funny! I wanted to die, and sometimes I still do, whenever I see that pink-haired idiot's face, and whenever I don't. How sad…

Why did Tohma even LET Kitazawa be my tutor? He's the smart type even though he's so fucking annoying all the time. And he seems to have power over almost everyone. It's kind of scary that a man like Kitazawa was able to work for him. Kitazawa must've been a pretty big idiot. Out of all the people to hurt, he chose me, the one under the care of Tohma Seguchi. That's so funny; I forgot to laugh. Did Kitazawa know he'd get caught? Did he know the risks? Of course he did! Who wouldn't? Kitazawa was NOT stupid. Then again, I just said that Tohma was smart, but he DID hire Kitazawa to be my tutor. So, I guess some people can be smart most of the time, but have their major slips now and then. Maybe Kitazawa knew he was going to be caught. Maybe he already knew his fate from the beginning, and didn't mind dying or going to jail. Or maybe he thought I'd keep my mouth shut. Maybe he thought his charm worked so well that he would be able to talk me into saying nothing to anyone. Was he that sure of himself, so sure that I'd jump back into his arms after he sold me? Obviously, if he did sell me, he hated me, so what was the purpose? Did he want another go at it afterwards? Did he WANT to break me over and over again?

It's quite ironic. I'm doing the same thing to Shuichi, aren't I? I'm breaking him over and over again. I wonder, will there ever come the day when he can't put himself back together again? One can only love one-sided for so long. Why doesn't he just leave me the hell alone? WHY? I'm only hurting him! And I don't even realize he's there half the time, dammit. And he knows. He knows almost everything. But then, why does he keep asking me, "Why?" Why? Why? Why? Why did I let myself become vulnerable? Why do I love a bastard? Why am I trying to gain HIS forgiveness by looking at Shuichi? Why don't I just kick the brat out? Why am I still alive? Why didn't I die already? For god's sake, stop asking me, "Why?" I'll give you a lot more questions to answer if you do, and I know you can't answer them, because even I can't, and they're about MY feelings. Damn, how come I don't know my own reasoning anymore? Has my life really become this fucked up? Yup, it has. That's pretty sad.

I felt horrible after I killed Kitazawa. I feel horrible now. I'm hurting him. I'm making him cry. I'm making him try so hard to help a lost cause. Why doesn't he just give up? He's only hurting himself! I don't want him to suffer… I wish he'd just leave me alone. Why doesn't he listen to me when I tell him to go away? Why? Dammit. He knows I never really see him. He knows I only see Kitazawa, to apologize for a guilty love. Or maybe it's just guilt? Do I really love Kitazawa, or is my guilt really what I feel? I don't know… I can't tell anymore. I'll never really see Shuichi either. Wow, I am a stupid bastard. Not that I haven't noticed that before, mind you.

That's why I tried to run away so many times. I didn't want to hurt him, hurt myself. As I said, I didn't want to remember anymore. I just wanted everything to disappear. I wanted to forget, if only for a moment. And I thought, if I died, would everything and everyone disappear? But the brat brought me back. No, I don't know how, so shut the fuck up. Well, even afterwards, I saw Kitazawa in his eyes. I was secretly hoping that I would see Shuichi, and only Shuichi, and I was disappointed. But I pretended that nothing was wrong. I was FINE. I'm still FINE, so stop bothering me about it. Can you spell it, retard? F-I-N-E!

What the hell does anyone expect me to do? I can't run away. It'll only hurt the brat more. I can't stay either, because he'll still be unhappy. I can't die, because that would make him even more upset, and it would destroy the purpose. What can I do? I don't want him to suffer. I really don't, but I can't seem to escape him. I'm addicted to alcohol, cigarettes and Kitazawa. How funny…

I wonder why Shuichi hasn't given up yet. I keep asking myself this, and asking him the same thing, but he just tells me it's because he loves me. And I believe him. He loves me, the bastard who lost his heart to another bastard. And he'll never give up. That's the saddest part. He's gonna keep hurting himself over and over again. And all I can do is watch. I feel so helpless, even though I cause his pain. And I'll never forgive myself, ever. Just like I can't forgive myself for killing Kitazawa.

But what is love really? He says he loves me, but what does that really mean? Well, if his actions define love, I already know the answer. It means that you care for someone so much that you'd risk everything, anything, for their smile. You'd die if you had to. You'd make them all sorts of things, give them many gifts, and tell them you love them every single day in your own special way. And you'd help them find happiness, even if it didn't include you. But that would never mean that you've given up. So there, that's my definition.

Would I die for Kitazawa? Would I tell him that I love him every day? Would I risk everything to see him smile? Would I leave his life to make him happy? No… I wouldn't die for him, even if he was alive. I'd feel guilty about leaving everyone behind, leaving Shuichi behind. I wouldn't tell him that I love him everyday, because...I can't. I just can't bring myself to say it. I don't know why the hell I can't. Would I leave him to make him happy? No, I'm obsessed. I'd never leave him. So my definition must be wrong… It has to be. I love Kitazawa. I always have. This thought has never crossed my mind before… I do love him, I'm sure I do. Trust me, don't question me. Yes, I'm positive. So shut up. God, you're so fucking annoying… Okay, so what if I don't love Kitazawa? How do I feel about him then? I don't understand! What do I feel then?

God, why does this remind me of that disgusting incident with Aizawa, the bastard-ass? I remember, I was so angry, so frustrated. I felt like I was reliving the Kitazawa incident. But I wasn't. Shuichi was the one who got raped, so why did I hurt as well, as much as I did when I got raped? I don't understand… I was so…sad… Even though I just broke up with him, not that we were ever together, mind you, I felt so worried. I wanted him to tell me that he was A-OK, and give me his wide smile again. I wanted to keep him safe. And I hated Aizawa. I still do. NO ONE hurts Shu-chan that way. I won't allow it anymore. But still, why did I care? I was trying to get away from him, but I still confronted Aizawa with the intention to kill him. Yes, if I wouldn't have had to go to jail if I killed him, because Shuichi would be upset, I would've done it. And I would've had no regrets, none at all. Someone hurt Shuichi, the way Kitazawa hurt me, and I snapped. I was worried that he, too, would transform into a bastard. But he didn't. He bounced back. He jumped up and down and danced and sang. How did he do it? He says it's because I was with him, and that as long as I stayed, he'd be okay. Does he really love me that much? And why do I care so much anyhow? I know, it's just because I'm guilty. Right? Yeah, that's it. I'm guilty. I've ruined his life, shattered him, and I'm still doing it, because…

I don't see him. I never see him, because I always see Kitazawa. Wait, then why did I see him when he came up to me in that stupid sailor suit? Why did I see him whenever he starts to cry, or just get that utterly defeated look on his face? I don't understand! What's wrong with me? Somebody better answer me, now! Sure, I don't want him to suffer, but would anyone, besides Aizawa of course…? I'm just guilty, because I cause his pain, even with Aizawa, which was my fault. But, why do I care when he comes home crying because of something that happened at work? Why? I shouldn't give a damn, because it has nothing to do with me, right? RIGHT? I don't cause that; his work does. So I shouldn't feel guilty. That's what I feel, right? No, that can't be it. It has to be human-decency. No, dammit! That isn't it either! I never care when people cry, except Shuichi, because no one can make me feel so bad. I don't understand… I can't love him, because I don't feel the same way about Kitazawa, and I know that I love him, don't I? Yeah, so what do I feel about Shuichi? It's not human-decency, and it isn't always guilt, so what else is there? What else is there? Obsession? No, it's definitely not obsession. I would be acting quite differently if it was obsession, forgiving him for everything, following him around and having a crazed look on my face. So what emotion do I feel for Shuichi? Or maybe…

Maybe I don't love Kitazawa… No, no, no! I love him, I'm sure of it! What else can describe my feelings? It definitely isn't human decency, because few people, besides saints, can care for a sick man like Kitazawa. And if it isn't love, which I know it is, by the way, what else can it be…? Obsession? Am I just obsessed with a dead man? I do follow him around, sort of. And I definitely forgive him for everything, and I always have a crazed look on myself. No, it couldn't be. I'm not obsessed. It's something different. Guilt…? Do I just feel guilty because I killed him? Do I feel guilty because I killed the man I loved, when he probably had no intention of killing me? Is that what I feel? No… It can't be. It's not possible. Nope, not possible. I love him… But wait, if love is what Shuichi feels, which I'm sure he loves me, then I don't love Kitazawa.

I look at my lighter. And there he is, smiling at me, trying to get his head into the picture. He's quite small, you know, but his energy makes up for it, I guess. And he looks so stupid, with his stupid smile, his stupid eyes, his stupid pink hair, in all his glory, he's right there. But that cannot be possible. I'm not supposed to see him, no… I'm supposed to see Kitazawa in the picture. I have to look harder. Nope… He's still there, smiling at me, mocking me, Shuichi is still there. I don't understand. This makes no sense. I clearly told myself that I hardly ever see him, and when I do, it's only for a moment. And I've been staring at my fucking lighter for at least five minutes, but he's STILL there. Maybe if I blink and rub my eyes…? Nope, still there. Then again, he was there when he came to me in the sailor suit. He was there when he started crying silently in the middle of the night, thinking I couldn't see him. He was there, and not just for a second, but for a long time. And the thing is, I wasn't surprised before. It was like I had seen him before, not Kitazawa. I wasn't shocked. Maybe it was because I wasn't thinking about it… Maybe… But if I see him, what does that make Kitazawa? If I love him, what do I feel for Kitazawa? Someone please tell me, anybody! Please… Damn. I am NOT begging, hear me? Okay, good.

I hear him come inside, giving his regular greeting of, "I'm home!" And I see him, see his eyes, see his face, see his ridiculous outfit, and see his freaky pink hair. I see him. I can't believe it. I love Kitazawa. I cannot see anyone else in Shuichi, right? Or can I see Shuichi? Has he somehow cracked my barrier? No… What's going on? What's this emotion I feel? I don't understand… I can't understand. I don't reply, and I watch him sit by the couch in silence. He agreed to only glomp me five days out of seven during the week. Yes, we spent hours debating it, and he won. Damn.

What is Kitazawa to me? Is he really the person I love? I know, I truly loved him BEFORE the incident. I loved every part of him, every single detail. And there was absolutely no reason to it. I simply loved him, enough said. But now… My feelings have changed. I thought that maybe the love grew stronger, even though he was dead, even though I killed him, because I couldn't stop thinking about him. I couldn't stop feeling guilty. And that, I considered love. Maybe I still do. I mean, what else is there to call that emotion? I look down at the paper in front of me. And it has the word 'Guilty' written in red ink over and over again, eve though I have no red markers. I blink and rub my eyes again. They're going to become sore if I keep doing this… And when I open them, the word 'Guilty' has disappeared. I frown. So it WAS my imagination. No, wait, I see something else… 'Obsession?' And it was written in red ink. Guilty…? Obsession…? Is that all it is? No, after all this time, that's what it is? A guilty obsession; is that all Kitazawa is? Have I been fooling myself in a different way than I imagined?

Then, do I…? Do I love Shuichi? Is that the feeling? Is that this emotion that is tearing me apart? Love? THAT is what it is? No, it can't be… How can I possibly love him, an annoying, pink-haired, badly dressed, cute faced punk…? Did I say cute? I meant weird, really, I did. Stop telling me I didn't; shut up, seriously. I can't love him. He's a kid, a stupid kid, stupid kid who loves me with all his stupid heart. Yes, that is Shuichi for you. So, as you can see, I can't love him. I love Kitazawa… Or do I? Ugh, this isn't making sense anymore… I can't even think straight, damn. But if I don't love Shuichi, then…? And if I don't love Kitazawa, then…? I'm not stupid like Shuichi; I know when I love someone. I truly do, so stop telling me otherwise, got that? If I don't love Kitazawa anymore because of what he did, then is he really just a guilty obsession? Is THAT what I felt about him? Then… Do I really love Shuichi? Is that why I care so much? Is that why I wish he would leave, so he wouldn't suffer because of a one-sided love that really isn't one-sided? Is that why I beat the shit out of Maa-kun, because I didn't want the person I love to be hurt anymore, to get revenge? Is that why he was the first person to make me smile in years? Is that why I always pick him up from NG when it's raining or snowing? Is that why I came back to get him from New York? Is it because I love him? Could it possibly be that I DON'T love Kitazawa? That he's just a guilty obsession?

Then how come I see Kitazawa when Shuichi should be there sometimes? Wait, I think I know the answer. It's because I feel guilty, and, as I've said before, want to apologize to my guilty obsession, so that I can finally move on. It's because I want to convince myself that I love Kitazawa, and not Shuichi, and that I cannot possibly love anyone else besides that dead man. It's because my own mind doesn't want to know the truth. It doesn't have the courage to face it alone. It needs my heart as well to realize the real reason I let Shuichi stay, as corny as it sounds… It's because I've been denying myself over denying myself. I tell myself that I love him, even though I thought I knew that I didn't, because I see Kitazawa instead. And then I deny my true feelings. And now, Shuichi is seen more often than not. And Kitazawa is disappearing. He only shows up when I think about him, when I need him to be there. But that happens less and less now, as if I'm accepting Shuichi, as if I can survive if he loves me, because I know he does. I think I can move on now, show Shuichi that I see him, maybe… Maybe I can tell him that I love him, and maybe I can make him happy, because that's all I want right now. I want to make HIM smile for once, and I will. I'll try to forget Kitazawa. And maybe I'll use my real name in my novels, because I'm not quitting. Maybe, that little brat has slowly weaseled his way into my heart. Maybe. Okay, so it's a yes. Do I look like I give a damn? God, you people are morons.

So, if I love Shuichi, Kitazawa is just a guilty obsession. Yes, now I think I understand. I love Shuichi Shindou now. I used to love Kitazawa, but now, he's just a guilty obsession. Just a guilty obsession, nothing more.

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A/N: Oh boy, wasn't that long? And with the red ink thing, I dunno, it just came to me. It gave the fic a bit of fantasy..? Erm, okay... Please forgive me!

Let me help you out if you don't understand. Notice that Eiri, or Yuki, whichever you prefer, had been extremely confused, saying he doesn't love Shuichi and never sees Shuichi. But, notice, that in the whole fic, he expresses his love, either by wanting to leave Shuichi without hurting him or seeing him and not noticing it.

Why, then you ask, did Shuichi keep on saying that Yuki never saw him? Because whenever Yuki was looking at Shuichi, Shuichi wasn't looking back. He couldn't see the compassion behind the walls Yuki created. And Yuki believed that he never saw Shuichi, but after a lot of thinking, he realized that he was fooling himself for the second time. He realized that Kitazawa was juts a Guilty Obsession, and he really did love Shuichi. How sweet! Hope this was the closure some people were looking for... Yes, Yuki AKA Eiri, is a very confused person.. Hehe...

So, in the would-be epilouge, Yuki would treat Shuichi nicer, and would ALWAYS see Shuichi. And Shuichi would obviously be happy. Yay... Sorry, I'm just so annoyed right now... And no, unless I get a zillion requests to write the epilouge, I'm not doing it, because I'm so tired... I apologize for the crankiness... TT

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE REVIEW! If only to keep me sane for a little while longer... Thank you so much!


	2. Chapter 2

Hey, here's the promised continuation of "Just a Guilty Obsession"! It's for all my nice reviewers! I plan on making a sequel for "Just a Shadow", too, so go me! This is a LOT shorter than the first part, btw.

Disclaimer: I don't own Gravitation.

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Just a Guilty Obsession Pt. 2

I feel so strange… It's like I'm not here in my apartment anymore. I've wandered into another world, another galaxy. I can't seem to get back yet. I'm still trying to slap myself into understanding my whole self-realization thing I had a few minutes ago. I think I'll just sit here for a few minutes longer, just so I can think properly. I can't come back yet.

So, all this time, Kitazawa has just been a guilty obsession? That's all? THAT is why I hurt Shuichi so much? It's unforgivable. How could I have been so confused? And for awhile, I hadn't even cared, I think… I've been ignoring his pleas for a long time, and I'm finally gonna answer them, I hope.

But…how? How do I tell him that I see him now? I haven't been able to do it before, and I don't know how. Will he even believe me anymore? After all the shit I've put him through, it's amazing he's still breathing. What if he doesn't believe me? What if he's given up, entirely? He'd never do that, right?

…right? Right. Shuichi NEVER gives up. After the rape, he kept kicking. After all the times I left him, he kept kicking. After all the times I kicked him out, he kept kicking. After all the times I've yelled at him, he kept kicking. That's an amazing quality…

Everyone says he's so weak. But they're all wrong. Shuichi is a strong person. He's made of steel, and has a heart of gold. He's unbreakable, almost. He can take all the crap I throw at him, and he still manages to smile and sing, and dance. I wouldn't be able to do that, when I was like him. I would've cracked and ran away. But…he stayed. He's still here, waiting for me to love him. Waiting…

He's just cracking on the inside. No one would really know how much he suffers, no one. He hides it so well. Oh, yeah, he cries and whines about it a lot. But no one believes him. Shuichi cries all the time, about the smallest things. And it's his defense. No one would ever know how hard it is, how bad it hurts, because they don't even know what he's REALLY crying about. If he trips, he'll cry, because it's one of his chances to let out some of the pain of loving a bastard. No one notices what it's really about.

It's about me. I'm so horrible. I've done this to him, an angel… (I'm never going to tell him that, so don't even ask.) I've broken his wings, but he still flies. He flies all the time, even though the wind and the sky is against him. How does he do it? Why does he do it?

Does he really love me that much? How can someone love me that much? HOW? I still don't get it. How can anyone possibly find logic in that? What's there to like about me, never mind love! I'm mean, insensitive, rude, always cranky, always busy, and a zillion other things. And if it's true love for him, which I know it is, he's not looking at how handsome I am, or at least that's why my fans adore me. They're stupid. So, again, why does he love me?

Is there even a reason? Or is he blindly following his heart, no matter what treacheries it takes him to? He's just following what he believes, I guess. It's still bothering me. Maybe I should just pair him up with someone else, like that singer Ryuichi, whom I know is in love with Shuichi. Grr…. Anyways, he'd be happier with that idiot singer. Sakuma wouldn't make him cry, or feel miserable. For once, Shuichi could see clearly that the feeling of love would be mutual, if he went with Ryuichi.

Can I do that? Can I just give him up? Would he leave if I forced him to, like threatening to kill myself? I don't know… Ugh, this is so damn confusing! I just don't want him to cry anymore. Sure, I won't ever hurt him again, or I'll try, but I don't deserve him after this. Shuichi can have anyone in the world, and I want to give it all to him.

I remember all the times tears formed in his violet eyes. And I remember cursing myself every single time. I wanted to apologize, every single time, but I couldn't. I wanted to make him stop crying, but I couldn't. Something was holding me back from truly caring about him, Kitazawa. Kitazawa ruined everything.

No, I did. I had a wonderful lover, and I just ignored him most of the time. I didn't even SEE him for god's sake! But now I do. Now I realize how lucky I am, and how undeserving as well. He's practically an angel for caring about me and helping me out, just to get slapped in the face.

Sadly, I'd love him even if he wasn't with me. I can let him go, if it's for his own good, but I would never move on. Maybe that should be my punishment for being a bastard. Should I seriously tell him to leave, or else? Will he listen? Maybe I'll really have to do the threatening thing. He won't leave otherwise. But…even then, will he truly be happy? He loves me, so can he really just go on with life without any pain or regret? I don't want him to be miserable! What can I do?

I should change, drastically. I have to be nicer, more tolerant and understand, sympathetic, and act happier, and maybe stop smoking. Notice the "maybe" part. Can I do that? Can I do what Shuichi has been doing for me? Will I still be me if I do change? Or will I just be a different person altogether? Even if I try to change, I won't be the nicest person in the world. But I'll try. And maybe that will be enough for him.

Maybe. Will he notice that I see him now? Can he tell these things? He obviously knew when I DIDN'T see him, so I'm guessing he'll notice. I hope. Can I make him happy? What exactly does he want? I know one of the big things is actually seeing him. Another is showing I care. I can do that, right? Right. And I'll have to smile more, that's for sure. I think I can manage that fine. And…another thing is…telling him I…love him… Alright, will I be able to do that? I don't know for sure…but, once again, I'll try. And if it's not enough, I'll make him happy another way.

I have to. I have to make him smile, and have no worries. I have to let him feel like I do whenever he dances and sings, and makes me happy. I have to give it back somehow, or make him happy through others. I can't live with myself if I don't do either. Shuichi deserves the world served to him on a silver plate, literally. Sadly, I can't give him that, but I'm making an effort.

So, what am I supposed to do now? Go over there and hug him, kiss him, tell him stuff? Ugh, this is confusing, and so damn complex! Maybe it's because I've never done it before. Wow, I never knew being nice was so difficult, and…weird… That's sad.

So, I'm finally getting back to reality. The clock ticks as I stare at the couch. I'm standing a few feet behind it. I hear the TV on low. I can't believe Shuichi can hear anything. Or is he just afraid that I'd yell at him if he did? Ouch… Now I feel bad… Well, it's that idiot singer Ryuichi Sakuma anyway. He's probably heard it so many times that he memorized the sound anyways. But that doesn't make it better. No.

I sigh and walk closer to the couch. I'm trembling. Why? Am I afraid that I'll mess up, or just make a fool of myself? What if he doesn't want me anymore? What if he hates me? What if he cries and doesn't believe me? What if…?

Ah, stop worrying, Yuki, I mean Eiri. Nothing will go wrong. He still loves you. He WON'T cry. Everything will be fine! Now, I'll just take some deep breaths. Okay, here I go. I take a few steps forward. And there he is. He's contently watching the TV in silence. It's eerie.

"Uh, Shuichi…," I manage to sputter out. Shuichi looks at me dully. His eyes don't look all violet. They look blank, almost dead. I bite my lip. Is this just the tip of the iceberg as to what I've done to him? I'm pretty sure it is.

"Yeah?" he asks. He doesn't seem interested, but he does turn off the TV. I'm glad. I couldn't concentrate with it on, even though I could barely hear it. "What is it, Yuki?" He's getting impatient, but I really don't know what to do.

So I merely sit next to him silently. He's so surprised and bewildered. I think he's even a bit scared. I'm definitely more scared. I try to stop myself from shaking. It doesn't work. Damn. I think he knows that I'm nervous. I let out a sigh.

"Look, Shuichi…," I whisper hoarsely. I gulp. I can't remember anything right now. How am I, the great Eiri Uesugi, worried? No way. Damn. Shuichi looks at me curiously. He seems to be thinking hard. Finally, he smiles warmly. He looks deep into my eyes, and his smile makes my heart melt. "I…I…l-l-lo…" I feel like shooting myself! Why can't I say it?

Shuichi nods in understanding. He seems to be looking deep inside of me somehow, likes he's examining my soul. He knows that I'm really looking at him, and he seems to have realized something else. And he hugs me softly. He understands, as I do. It's our silent way of showing we care. I hug himback.

Maybe I can't be the perfect boyfriend for him. Maybe I can't change entirely. But he loves me, and wants me here, so I'll stay and try to improve. For him.

I love you Shuichi…

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A/N: Wasn't that sweet? lol! Well, hey, I tried. PLEASE REVIEW! TY! 


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